Sweetest Taboo

Administrator — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 11:20:19 +0000

I am about to tell you something controversial. Before I do this I would like you to clear all the expectations you have regarding tea-drinking out of your mind. Sit down and shut your eyes and let it drain from you, all of it. This is something you can only understand when your brain opens up a secret, special place: the place where taboos can be turned into dream-scape images. The place where things can be accepted which in usual waking-life would never cross your mind–

That’s right people: I am talking about Tea drinking in the bathroom, while sitting on the toilet. Now breathe deeply and relax (although I suggest you don’t do that while on the bathroom: this write can not be responsible for a reader’s asphyxiation).

I know it sounds ludicrous, but the toilet is the perfect environment on which to enjoy finest Tea. Why is that? Because the toilet, as anyone knows, is the only place in any household where true privacy exists. It is a vacuum where the outside world cannot touch you. Which is what makes it so ideal for Tea.

Picture this: you’re at work and your boss keeps hassling you. Every time you pick up your Tea, your boss walks over and brings up some urgent thing he’d like to drop right on your downtrodden head. Tea drinking in such circumstances is impossible! But take that tea to the toilet and you can relax–enjoy the Tea in a habitat which reflects the peace and tranquility found within the Tea itself. I think you’ll find that once you make the bathroom your secret Tea drinking place, your life will improve dramatically. Not only that but your family life will improve to. AND your boss will be riled by your happiness, which is even better!

The old ‘Be Positive’

Administrator — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 13:17:02 +0000

“Please be positive!”: no three words—apart from “I’m leaving you!”, of course, and the one involving the word beginning with the letter before M which will not be mentioned here—have such an emotive, punishing, smack-you-about-the-head effect. Be positive, you think to yourself, cursing this big-headed individual whose absurdity knows no bounds, what kind of stupid advice is that? I’m hardly going to try and be more negative am I?!”

I used to hate the old be positive saying as well. What always angered me about these two words is their ability—when married together especially, although they work fine scattered here and there through any deeply condescending sentence—to make you feel guilt, shame, anger, sorrow and a twinge of horrible envy all at once. It made me feel first low, then lower, until I started to think: what is this person doing that I am not? I want some of that!

Lists, yes, it really is as simple as that. Lists and positivity, maybe not scientifically proven to improve your life ten fold but certainly something that holds water. Don’t know why lists help make you feel more positive? Well, as the above post makes plain, it’s very simple: once you have a plan laid out before you it’s so much easier to think of that one big task you can’t manage as divided in to a number of smaller less terrifying ones. Then, when you start making lists and feeling more positive, you can be the one to say those annoying words for a change.

Some elementary maths

Administrator — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 12:21:58 +0000

I filled my car up the other day – Â£55 for 50 litres of your basic unleaded, I never have understood why anyone would buy the "premium" and indeed have never seen anyone do it! It got me to thinking where all that money goes, which lead me on to a little mental arithmetic while I was driving. I rounded the figures up of course to make the maths simpler.

So lets say you are a high rate tax payer, and have Â£60 of your hard earned wedge in your pocket and need to fill up. Well to start with you’ve paid Â£40 income tax so the current score is:-

The Government Â£40

You Â£60

You have Â£60 worth of petrol in your tank – or have you?

The current tax rate on petrol is about 60%, so now your score is:-

The Government Â£76

You Â£24

mmmm – the government seam to be doing quite well here – but I thought deeper and remembered that there is the 17.5% VAT on fuel, isn’t there?

So now the score is:-

The Government Â£86.50

You Â£13.50

Oh dear! I forgot about national insurance on my original Â£100 of income – how much is that – 10%? yes, let’s use that.

Running score:-

The Government Â£96.50

You Â£3.50

So from my Â£100 of income I actually only have Â£3.50 worth of petrol, while the government has a bulging pocket with Â£96.50 in it – or do they?

I’v forgotten about employer’s National Insurance – which is what – 12%?

So now it looks like this:-

The Government Â£108.50

You Â£3.50

So the government has a tax take that is actually more than I earned in the first place! But at least that’s the end of it – Oh! – Hold on…..

The petrol companies make huge profits and pay enormous sums to the tax man – more for the government. And the petrol companies employ the forecourt staff, thay all pay tax and they employ drivers and admin staff and oil rig workers – they all pay tax too!

The Government take on my Â£100 of income must be close to Â£110.00 – now that is creative!

Some thrilling news for you all, I was chatting to my cousin the other night and he has just got a amazing new position at an hr management software company. Well done Jake

stream of consciousness writing

Sweetest Taboo

The old ‘Be Positive’

Enigin Stories

An Abstract Idea

Some elementary maths